It Might Be Time to Change Counselors

Many therapists and coaches will support you toward change. But not so much when it comes to moving on from them.

While some people benefit from a long term (sometime even decades long) professional relationship with their counselor, often the reasons for staying are not actually beneficial for you.

Here are some of the reasons people stay too long:

1. Change is scary and overwhelming
2. Therapeutic relationships tend to mimic corrective parental figures and separation induces anxiety
3. We are afraid to hurt our counselor's feelings - appear ungrateful or even feel like we are abandoning them

Here are some reasons counselors don't encourage you to move on:

1. They don't see/are not aware that it's time - that you are ready
2. They do not have healthy boundaries/their own unresolved issues and will take it personally if you leave
3. They don't want to give up the income

Here are some indicators that it's better for you to move on:

1. The stated goals of treatment have been met
2. Several weeks have passed with no sense of movement toward progress
3. You have more to do but you feel that the counselor has taken you as far as they can with their skill set and understanding
4. You started keeping things from your counselor because you don't trust how they will handle it, you don't feel safe to express without judgement, or you are trying to maintain the image you think the counselor has of you

Any good life coach or therapist measures part of the success of their practice by your ability to handle life without them. If you have increased self awareness, self regulation, coping skills, positive/realistic self talk, body/mind/soul balance, and a healthy support system....that is the gold!

We start with the ending in mind. Even in my initial phone consults where you and I decide if we should consider working together, I ask "What is your definition of success? What would make you feel that it was time to end our work together?"

The focus of any good clinician is to support you in flying high. Feeling safe enough in your own being to take the chances toward the dreams you have.

Tune into your own experience in sessions. See how you feel 3-4 sessions later and if the sense of "I'm ready for the next chapter" is still there, have that conversation with your counselor. If there is a clinical basis to continue working together then all theory goes out the window and you do what is best for you. You keep seeing that counselor if it helps. 

I'm inviting you to be brave enough to look at your experience and then brave enough to do something about it.  After all, isn't that why you came?

If your counselor appears hurt or completely dismisses your feelings about moving on then you are most likely with the wrong match anyway. It is your needs and only your needs that matter in the therapeutic relationship. If you are putting your counselor's needs before your own then that is a clinical issue in and of itself to address - with them or with the next counselor.

Getting another professional's outlook on your goals brings in new energy to you and the work itself. Anyone who has done sessions knows it's work if you are doing it right - because you are creating real change.

Has it been a year or 5 or 10 since you met with a different life coach or therapist? Check in with yourself. Discuss it with them. Be brave to take care of you - because ultimately that is one of the biggest reasons you connected to this professional in the first place.

Tell Us You Are In Therapy

One of the greatest, and simplest, acts you can do is telling others you are in therapy.

Whether it's to your life partner, a close friend, family member or your entire Facebook feed, you will not believe the impact.

That one move of Sharing, Normalizing, and Opening Doors has a ripple effect that you will never know about. So let me share with you. Because I am on the other end of that ripple. I am the one that gets the call from your person who finally found the courage to talk to someone because YOU made it ok.

Throughout my years in Social Work, Psychotherapy and Life Coaching, I have heard from clients every now and again that it was that one conversation with you that helped them reach out.

Now, you don't need to make a big production out of it. You don't need to share what you are in therapy for or how things are going. In fact, the more matter-of-fact it is, the better. You go to therapy. You go because you have hope. You go because you have curiosity about yourself and this world. You go because you are willing to put in the hard work to sort out the emotional barriers to reaching your dreams. You go because you won't settle and you're starting to realize that you're worth it.

By sharing, you normalize.

When a person we actually know and care for does something then it becomes "no big deal". Depending on our life experiences, we might be surprised or even shocked at first but then it becomes less scary. Only the unknown is scary. If someone we know is talking to a counselor or life coach then it shatters the horrible, inaccurate, and debilitating taboo that "only crazy people need therapy and I'm not crazy".

Strong people go to therapy. Brave people go to therapy. Hard working people go to therapy. Determined people go to therapy. People who improve, learn and grow go to therapy.

In the same way you would tell a friend, "I hired a personal trainer at the gym for a few sessions to take it up a notch." is the same way you would tell a friend, "I hired a counselor for a few sessions to take my life up a notch."

Your friend/family member/coworker may never tell you they called me. And they may never thank you for your courage. So I'm thanking you today.

Keep being authentic. Keep normalizing the fact that strong people don't avoid challenges; they work for change. Know your courage gives us courage.

Post-Election Trends in My Therapy Office

It has been an interesting 2 weeks. That's probably true for most of us. And seeing some of it play out in the therapy room has been fascinating.

Not one single session since #Election2016 has not touched on the impact of this election on people's thoughts, feelings and actions - regardless of political views.

I have to say, the extent surprised me. While I was expecting an impact, I did not expect the relevance of this topic weighing so heavily on people's minds and impacting their lives.... including their relationships.

Some of the interesting trends I saw were:

1. There was a personal hit to many people's sense of identity
2. Many people for the first time in their lives starting thinking globally
3. People were searching for other people who shared their experience and created impromptu support groups
4. Couples' communication issues came more to light depending on which couples could listen to each other, hold space for each other and support each other
5. Past trauma was triggered in the present
6. Intensity of emotion, as a result of the triggers and personal implications, was high including sadness, anger etc
7. Several people were moving through the grief stages
8. Everyone was going through their own time line and utilizing their own coping skills to adjust to the changing times

Please note that I am not a relationship therapist. Also, these trends were my experiences and do not represent trends in psychotherapy or life coaching.

Now that 2 weeks have passed I can see that people are moving back to the other issues they want addressed. However, the political changes and the triggers (of hope or hopelessness - of courage or fear) still seep into every conversation I am having. The impact of this election has touched many - some more aware of the impact than others. 

We can all learn a lot about ourselves from what upset us and what made us happy and how we responded to it all. We can all challenge ourselves to continue a journey of self awareness, self regulation, and proactive, relevant action steps rather than ruminating. Celebrate, grieve and integrate. Use your ever awakening knowledge of self. Then move to behaviors that are in line with your values rather than emotions.

Be brave.

What You Learn Applies To Real Life

I just came back into my office after helping a driver who got into a car accident to slow his breathing. Focused on helping him feel connected and secure. Back in my office, I sit here amazed at how so much of what I practice really works in the day to day. 

Ever wonder if you were going to use that algebra you learned in real life? Well you'll never wonder that about the mental health techniques you learn.

Those techniques will come in handy in your life at the most random and unexpected of times. It might be years past your therapeutic experience where you learned some tricks of self awareness, self soothing and self care but in a time of need you find yourself pulling those tools from the tool box. Dusting them off and feeling "Hey, wow. I can still do this."

You might have a loved one or a friend of a friend who is going through something. You'll remember what pain, confusion, overwhelm feel like. You'll harness the empathy, non-judgement, active listening skills that you learned to give yourself - now giving it to others.

There will be a car accident in front of your office and you will find yourself gently guiding a person in crisis into slow deep breathes.

It might be purposeful "Let me try this" or automatic "Hey, look at me. I think this is working."

Learning "tricks" for mental health and practicing them often enough so that they become part of your automatic response is a worthwhile investment in your future self and in your loved ones and in random strangers. It will not go to waste. It will only grow. And the ripple effects will show others that they can try too.

You can do more than wish things away or wish them better but actually take concrete steps toward making things better. It's worth it. We're worth it. Invest in you so we can all benefit.