When The Cycle of Pain is Not Broken

I recognized her face on the news report and my emotions began to spin. I scrambled to find her name and sure enough it was her. I felt sick to my stomach.

That is how I learned this week some difficult news about a foster care youth I had the privilege to meet about 9 years ago. She was a very troubled young lady. She is apparently a mother now and, tragically, according to the news, her baby has experienced trauma and abandonment and will likely enter the nightmare of the foster care system.

While many of the young people who find support in the foster care system find some inner peace and belonging in this world, it is most true that the cycle of trauma continues and that is my definition of failure.

I hope the young lady and her child get very good care so that the child gets a chance to get the tools of security and love to stop the cycle some day.

Please note that many children experience abuse and/or neglect and never make it into the foster care system. They are still the same children. It is still the same cycle. It leads to trust issues, insecurities, self-injurious/high risk behavior, as well as a lack of healthy boundaries and support systems.

A fascinating read is "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel. If you are a foster care youth, check out a program called A Home Within that provides free counseling for as long as you need it.

While my goal is always to help my clients heal, it is driven by the desire to break the cycles and give more hope to the next generation.

For all of you out there trying to break your own cycles of pain, keep up the fight. For those of you helping others, keep your eyes on the prize.

How Do I Feel Better...Now?

I believe in Balance. Balance in all things including distress. While I advocate taking the opportunity that a problem is giving you to redesign and refocus your life, I strongly believe that in deep distress no growth can occur.

Our first duty is get safe.

I have never met a client, or experienced myself, the ability to think clearly, develop self awareness, or have an effective action plan when in crisis. So first...How Do I Feel Better Now?

1. See the situation for what it is...distressful, a crisis, horrible.

2. Give yourself a break. Meaning, don't be hard on yourself for anything you think you did to get into this situation. And don't be hard on yourself for feeling all your extreme emotions including numbing out. And definitely don't be hard on yourself for not knowing how to help yourself or "fix" things.

3. Breathe. Ironically new studies show that calming the body down and THEN the mind is the best way. Your mind gets messages from the outside world and will protect you physically but more so emotionally from the danger it is perceiving from the data it's getting. Get the message to your mind that it is safe enough to think, to be creative, and to problem solve effectively. SLOW YOUR BREATH. RELEASE ENERGY FROM YOUR BODY THROUGH MOVEMENT. HOLD YOURSELF.

4. Tell your story. Tell a trusted person, write about it (and destroy it after if needed) or connect to an anonymous person (like on 7CupsofTea.com). Saying your distress outside your own head helps to give it perspective. You'll realize how normal and healthy your reaction is to a messed up situation (and even more so if you've experienced a traumatic experience before).

5. Find a healthy support system. Get connected and hold on. We are healthier around healthy people and environments. Get safe.

Once you are not in crisis, you can begin to challenge yourself to make changes and really focus on self care. You are no longer putting out a fire but rather gaining real insight and direction.

You can do this!

Self Discovery and Personal Goal Achievement

We all have goals. For some of us it’s just getting through the day. For some it’s realizing our purest joy. When we cannot get from here to there, even though we understand the steps it takes to get there, it’s time to look at the underlying issues that are serving as roadblocks.

In your life, you are the tool that gets the job done. There is nothing else. The more fine tuned that tool is, the more you are prepared to handle whatever goes wrong and savor whatever goes well.  If you are functioning under inaccurate beliefs (such as everyone will eventually hurt me, whatever I build someone else will eventually destroy, I am not a good person, I will alway ruin everything) then you act based on those beliefs from a scared, cautious place. 

To reach the goals you establish, you first need to visualize them and then connect with your true self to get there. Finding your true self is reconnecting to your essence from birth. It’s hearing that inner voice, giving it space, respecting it and responding to it with permission and healthy boundaries.  You need to learn who you are aside from the external definitions of you.... such as your appearance, your job, your family, etc. You need to learn what makes you scared, excited, peaceful. What are your core beliefs and how are they productive toward your visions of success? What's your true inner voice versus the internalized messages of your family, friends, media, etc?

Start with trying new things and learning in those experiences what are your boundaries. Learning what external factors make you feel like “I get to” do it versus “I have to/I should/I don’t wanna” will help guide your creation of a life game plan. 

Unblock your own path. And in so doing save time and energy in reaching those goals..... or prevent self sabotaging before or after you get there. Activate your behavior in order to learn about yourself. Then fine tune your choices to create a life in which you are engaging and embracing every experience!

"It take courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." - E. E. Cummings

Bonus secret - no one does this process alone. Find like-minded people on this journey. Get support; get mentorship; get brave, kind-hearted people to challenge your thinking. You will benefit each other and the ripple effects will give the rest of us courage for our journeys.

When I Introduce Growth Mindset To My Clients

As many of you know, I am a big believer in the Growth Mindset. While I still work on staying true to it myself sometimes, it is my guiding drive. Some of the people I work with already possess this Mindset and that is exactly why they seek me out. They are focused and determined to take their lives to the next level!

Some get introduced to the Mindset for the first time in our work together and the "ah ha" moments can be riveting. You can learn and teach this Mindset. (Check out the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck)

Here are some of the ways that together we've come to see it.....

There are several mindsets or perspectives on life that guide our actions. The Growth Mindset is one that values constant challenge. It prioritizes learning and improving. Success is measured by seeing a challenge, getting excited by the opportunity to overcome, and going for change!

Can you imagine thinking, “that would be so hard to do...how exciting!” versus "this is so hard - clearly I'm not meant to do this; it's not for me." Can you imagine viewing everything (success or failure) as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, gain more tools for the next adventure, and setting your sights higher?

If success or failure did not have a good or bad connotation (because it said nothing about you as a person) but rather triggered a curious feeling in you, it would lead to breaking down the core beliefs in your head that something is not worth the effort. That you are not worth the effort. 

The opposite of all this is the Fixed Mindset that values “you’re either born with it or not”; ”you have it or you don’t” which is determined by “was it easy for you”? 

The Growth Mindset exclaims, “if it’s easy for you, you’re ready for the next challenge!” While pain is never the goal, discomfort is. The discomfort signals the possibility to evolve, transform and take your life on a new trajectory. 

For some of us, the discomfort comes when going for that dream job, asking that person out, trying to make new friends in the neighborhood, starting meditation, letting go of the past, starting to exercise, moving homes, or seeking real emotional intimacy with anyone. Sound familiar? Whatever the stimulus is, it's your body and mind that are telling you to beware. That is the attempt at self protection. 

When you are fear based, you heed those warnings and stay clear of the challenge - holding on to routine and predictable outcomes. Perfectionism and anger can be indicators of this. BUT, when you teach yourself the Growth Mindset and practice it, you thank your body and mind for the attempt to keep you safe but then you are able to take the next step to assess real danger versus emotions.

When you value growth, you will feel discomfort and you will learn to be excited by it rather than afraid. Like the burn after a good workout, you will know that you are investing in your future self. You will develop a relationship with yourself based on trust and inspiration - one that says, “I can handle it. I can do this. Bring it on!”