On The Other Side Of Stress

We can appear on the surface to ourselves and others that we are "healed" and "over it". Yet, the subconscious reminds us of the work we still need to do. Even after all the work to increase our self awareness and coping skills, those triggers are powerful! And it can feel like we are back to step 1.

It weighs heavy on us. It can send us into weeks of irritability, loss of patience, loss of motivation or much apathy about everything. Life just feels like it requires so much more energy than you remember it needing. 

But you push on.

Sometimes it's not until a particular moment has passed - such as a trauma anniversary or an emotionally challenging event - that we realize the heavy stress we were under. 

When the trigger has passed and the stress is lifted...and we can breath easy again. When we feel light again....when we have clarity again...when we are no longer walking through emotional quicksand. When we can smile that smile that comes from within.

Peace.

Peace is the gold that we treasure on a whole other level only after we get reminders of how we lost it in the past. Honor those reminders. Realize your personal growth (and growth within relationship to others) is still a journey and that you are still in motion. To be in motion is to be alive.

Savor that window of light...the light weight on your being...the light that shines on all you still want...the light that shines on the hope you somehow always hold on to. Savor those moments. Then contain that peace within your soul and carry it with you as you continue your journey.

You are here. You are not where you were. You can get triggered. You can feel like you are shot back in time to that unhealthy expression of you that you detest. But savor the realization that you are not back there. You are here. And you are in motion. Keep growing. Keep loving yourself for all the moments.

I am proud of you.

How Much Do You Charge For Therapy?

Health. We wish it for others, we pray for it, we hope for it, we give it great lip service...."Health is the most important thing!" we say.

And yet, often it becomes the last thing on our priority list (and therefore our action list).

And forget about mental health. That is so rarely on the list until there is a crisis - if then!

So many of us wait for that tooth ache, that heart attack, that loss of identity and meaning in life before we take action for better health. There are many reasons why and here I will only address one. But one that comes up often. Money.

In terms of mental health, people don't even know where to begin. When they finally reach the point of wanting to get counseling, coaching, and/or therapy, what now? Crossing that line from "I'm thinking about it" to "I'm going to do it" is powerful and needs to be supported in its momentum.

Here's the more traditional approach:  Start by calling your insurance company. Find out what kind of coverage you have and who you can see. Many therapists will offer a free phone and/or face-to-face consult so that you and s/he can decide if you want to proceed in your collaboration together. Ideally, meet with more than one therapist to get a feel for their style and how you feel in and after a session with them.

But here is my favorite part: you have other options. More and more therapists are walking away from managed care and offering therapy practices that better suit our clients. We are untying our own hands. 

Did you know that many therapists will adjust their fee to what you can afford so that you can cut out your health insurance company from your mental, emotional, and psychological well-being?!

As I tell my clients all the time, therapy should not be an added stressor to your life. Many therapists today have been serving our community long enough and have been open to some pretty raw feedback from clients to know that things need to change. Using technology to connect to clients is one option but that's for another posting.

Here's the advantage to paying out-of-pocket on a budget that suits you:

1. NONE of your information goes anywhere (unless there is a safety issue where you or someone else is in danger and then we must report it by law). If you work with insurance, your identifying information is used, well, to identify you. If your therapist just contracts with you and not your insurance company then your information is locked up in their filing cabinet and in their minds forever. All paperwork is then shredded after the required time depending on your state's regulations.

2. No medical diagnosis needs to be submitted to anyone or placed on your records. Let's face it, insurance companies will only pay for medical diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. A therapist will need to put one of those labels on you to get paid. Sometimes the diagnosis is not accurate. Sometime you are not struggling from a medical diagnosis at all but still want to meet with a non-judgmental professional.

3. There are no limits to the number of sessions you can have. Some insurance companies will only authorize 10-12 sessions. Understand that they are in the game to save themselves money. You are in the game of self-care and growth. A therapist is in the game of unconditional positive regard for your experience and making a living. Who should get first priority? You. Always.

4. No hassle. There is no need to fill out paperwork, constantly prove that treatment needs to continue based on the client's "illness" and progress being made, submit paperwork, wait for payment, followup continuously for payment, etc. Sometimes that will be your therapist's headache and time taken away from excellent clinical care. Sometimes it will be your headache if you need to pay your therapist in full, file for reimbursement and wait. Or... you opt for door #2 where you meet with your therapist, pay at the end of the session the fee you negotiated together, and you go on with your life.

5. Creativity in care. I don't want to blow your mind here (or maybe I do) but therapy can be multidimensional and extend outside the "mmm-hmm" of a therapist sitting on a chair across the room from you while you talk through every thought and experience. Therapy works when a therapist can be fully present in witnessing the client's experience and thinking outside the box to what will help that person find their focus, direction, clarity, acceptance and joy. Will the insurance company pay for therapy over a HIPAA compliant video conference or a phone session? Will the insurance company pay for somatic techniques or meditative techniques? How about biofeedback? Spoken word? Will the insurance company pay for nature trail walks instead of office sessions? If it works for you to reach whatever goals you set for yourself in meeting with your therapist and it does not put you or anyone in danger (aka violating the ethics of that professional), then it works!

So, how much do I charge? How much can you afford?

Action items:

1. Ask the therapist you want to work with if they offer a sliding scale.

2. Look at sites like Open Path Psychotherapy Collective (www.openpathcollective.org) for a list of therapists who have agreed to open a few time slots in their schedule to offer reduced-fee sessions ($30-50/session).

3. Be aware that some therapists even keep 1-2 sessions/week available for pro bono work (free sessions) for clients whose financial situation changes but it continues to be clinically relevant to keep the work going.

4. If you already agreed to pay a certain amount and now you find that you cannot, DON'T LET THAT BE THE REASON YOU STOP THERAPY. Talk to your therapist about it.

Assertively, openly, and honestly communicating an issue in your heart is part of your treatment. Don't back off now.

When The Cycle of Pain is Not Broken

I recognized her face on the news report and my emotions began to spin. I scrambled to find her name and sure enough it was her. I felt sick to my stomach.

That is how I learned this week some difficult news about a foster care youth I had the privilege to meet about 9 years ago. She was a very troubled young lady. She is apparently a mother now and, tragically, according to the news, her baby has experienced trauma and abandonment and will likely enter the nightmare of the foster care system.

While many of the young people who find support in the foster care system find some inner peace and belonging in this world, it is most true that the cycle of trauma continues and that is my definition of failure.

I hope the young lady and her child get very good care so that the child gets a chance to get the tools of security and love to stop the cycle some day.

Please note that many children experience abuse and/or neglect and never make it into the foster care system. They are still the same children. It is still the same cycle. It leads to trust issues, insecurities, self-injurious/high risk behavior, as well as a lack of healthy boundaries and support systems.

A fascinating read is "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Daniel Siegel. If you are a foster care youth, check out a program called A Home Within that provides free counseling for as long as you need it.

While my goal is always to help my clients heal, it is driven by the desire to break the cycles and give more hope to the next generation.

For all of you out there trying to break your own cycles of pain, keep up the fight. For those of you helping others, keep your eyes on the prize.

How Do I Feel Better...Now?

I believe in Balance. Balance in all things including distress. While I advocate taking the opportunity that a problem is giving you to redesign and refocus your life, I strongly believe that in deep distress no growth can occur.

Our first duty is get safe.

I have never met a client, or experienced myself, the ability to think clearly, develop self awareness, or have an effective action plan when in crisis. So first...How Do I Feel Better Now?

1. See the situation for what it is...distressful, a crisis, horrible.

2. Give yourself a break. Meaning, don't be hard on yourself for anything you think you did to get into this situation. And don't be hard on yourself for feeling all your extreme emotions including numbing out. And definitely don't be hard on yourself for not knowing how to help yourself or "fix" things.

3. Breathe. Ironically new studies show that calming the body down and THEN the mind is the best way. Your mind gets messages from the outside world and will protect you physically but more so emotionally from the danger it is perceiving from the data it's getting. Get the message to your mind that it is safe enough to think, to be creative, and to problem solve effectively. SLOW YOUR BREATH. RELEASE ENERGY FROM YOUR BODY THROUGH MOVEMENT. HOLD YOURSELF.

4. Tell your story. Tell a trusted person, write about it (and destroy it after if needed) or connect to an anonymous person (like on 7CupsofTea.com). Saying your distress outside your own head helps to give it perspective. You'll realize how normal and healthy your reaction is to a messed up situation (and even more so if you've experienced a traumatic experience before).

5. Find a healthy support system. Get connected and hold on. We are healthier around healthy people and environments. Get safe.

Once you are not in crisis, you can begin to challenge yourself to make changes and really focus on self care. You are no longer putting out a fire but rather gaining real insight and direction.

You can do this!