The Power of Being ProActive

I never used to be one of those people that believed in our ability to influence by energetic intent. "The Secret" and other "think it and it will be" concepts never really resonated with me.

With all my years of professional and personal experience, I'm beginning to pay attention to the signs that seem to indicate otherwise despite all my best intentions to stay a non-believer.

I see more and more how many of us wish for things, hope for things, hold our breath for things...but take no action toward those things. Even if the action is taking a purposeful pause.

We all know that the one constant is change. We know that everything changes all the time. So we can ride the wave of change and see where it takes us. And it will take us somewhere. Ironically often somewhere pretty close to what we had wished or feared for just with a twist. But the twist can be unpleasant to say the least.

I get it. I live it. It's scary to purposely go toward change even if it's toward what we want. It means taking responsibility. It means really letting yourself know that this matters to you. Sometimes we have been dreaming about "some day" for so long and in such a bittersweet way that it has helped us through some really rough times. If we actually take steps toward the dream and fail then we fear we will lose the hope that keeps us afloat - risking emotional devastation.

You might ask: Why risk letting myself down? (Someone else hurts me or disappoints me, then I'm clear on who the bad guy is and I can rest easy knowing I am a victim of circumstance. I can protect myself from feeling bad about myself.) But if I let myself down, it would be too painful.

Does this inner dialogue sound somewhat familiar?

How about the inner dialogue that tells you that letting others know that you desperately want something... and that you're going to actually try for it and will likely fail a few hundred times...can feel like handing over power. They can judge you, humiliate you, remind you of your failings until the end of time....

Being that vulnerable doesn't come natural to many of us.

Ever notice that the universe (or however you define the energy force that moves all around you) will give you a kick in the pants - sometimes an avalanche over the head - to move you, to shake you, to create change? While you are stuck in your internal debate and your psychology does all it can to keep you from creating change (i.e., keep you safe), the universe has other plans. Nature grows and evolves. You are part of it all. You can put yourself in the best environment FOR YOU to grow and evolve.

Ever wonder how different your life would look if you proactively went for what you wanted?

If you purposely and succinctly wrote down your vision of success. If you created some long term goals and then some short term goals. And then took one short term goal and broke it down to teeny tiny steps. And then chose one of those steps to take today...without delay.

How much stress and extra complications would you avoid if you just went straight for what you wanted? If the universe didn't need to nudge you along?

You know that nudging....the nudging that comes in the form of the minor annoyance all the way to the worst imaginable trauma. You get fired from the job you hated. Your car gets totaled as you were debating to sell it or not. You are craving a change in your relationship that comes and now you need to decide what you really want. You lose your money and realize what you had all along.

How many times did you realize "I ended up braver, wiser, more authentic for this experience"? You wouldn't wish the nightmare on yourself but if it didn't happen you wouldn't have been shoved in this particular direction. Now you have passions you know you must feed urgently and not just neglect in the hope that "someday things will just work out."

The excitement and joy - that can come from going for the things that you have thought and processed and contemplated about - is fuel for the soul. Give yourself the gift of being proactive. Of dreaming and trying.

Just one small step today towards the larger vision can let the universe know you don't need another kick the pants today....you are in motion. You will focus and facilitate the emergence of your next exciting chapter!

[Picture credit: http://longspark.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/art-therapy-career2.jpg]

Community in 2022

Why does it take so much pain to change? Waiting for a disaster to make a plan isn’t usually the best course of action. It seems that, as human beings, we often don’t make tough, healthy moves - moves that will benefit us in the long term but take effort in the short term. That is unless we are up against a wall and feel like we absolutely have no choice but to make a change.

I invite you to consider proactive, preventative approaches as an easier, more effective way of living. This applies to so many topics such has physical health, fitness, financial stability, educational degrees, professional mobility, etc.

For example, we know that people who attend preventative care medical appointments and follow a healthy lifestyle BEFORE they are sick, often don’t get as sick or sick for as long. We can invest in our well being.

Investing in our relationships is another preventative approach that can make life easier and better. Life is hard. No one is arguing that. We also know that we are social beings and our positive, meaningful relationships are fundamental for life.

So so many people feel like there is no one to talk to when they are feeling sad - angry, hurt, overwhelmed. When we don’t feel like we have at least one person who can listen with true focus, true care and not jump to fix us - then we hurt and feel lonely.

As a result, we reach out even less. Others will assume that we don’t need or want to talk. So they stop asking. And then we feel like, “I knew it. No one cares”.

Consider how you are encouraging this reality without realizing it. How can you begin making small changes to take yourself along another more connected path?

In connection, we heal faster. We get unwell less often.

Make it your 2022 goal to invest your time and energy toward people who you trust.

• If you feel you have no one, start by journaling to yourself. You don’t have to go back and read it or ever share it. In fact, you can delete it, tear it up or burn it as soon as you write it.

• You can also hire a psychotherapist or counselor to talk to confidentially for at least once a week. Get some things off your chest. Say some things out loud - outside your own head.

• Look around to the people around you. Who wants to be there for you? Can you nurture that relationship?

Start by being clear with yourself about why you don’t honestly share your experiences and emotions with this person. Then practice finding the words to ask for what you need. Maybe you just need them to listen for 10 minutes without giving advice. Now ask for it. Give them at least 3 chances to give you what you need while you remind them of what the new boundaries are for you. Boundaries let you get closer to people - believe it or not.

Give people a chance to learn the new way of best communicating with you. And if they just can’t do it (because they are not there in their emotional journey yet), then find someone who can.

• Consider joining groups of people that have similar things on their mind as you do or have walked the path you are currently walking.

Another step is learning to be a better listener yourself. Ask someone how they are doing and actually listen without telling them about you or trying to “fix” their stress. It’s harder than it sounds. But it’s a skill you can learn and get better at every day.

Being open and honest is not comfortable for most of us.

But it’s a good habit to get into.

One day you might really need to talk and you want to have that relationship already set up for it. You won’t regret having a close, healthy, honest, caring inner circle of people who authentically want the best for you - whatever that means for you.

Take a chance on community for your future.

From My Heart...Now Is The Time To Hire A Psychotherapist

Here is a note I shared with my friends…

I think most of you know I am a psychotherapist since 2011. I've been in the field for many years before as a social worker in many different roles. So I say this as a professional who is devoted to the most amazing career and a friend....please hire a psychotherapist today. You do not need to be in crisis to talk to someone.

There is something magical about having one hour a week just for you about you. You can say anything and say it any way you want. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, we take whatever you share to our grave.

You can change your mind a moment after you said it and that's fine. You can stop talking at all when you want. You can cry, scream, laugh or vent. Many therapists offer video or phone sessions and will work with you if you don't have insurance to find an affordable rate.

Search psychologytoday.com to find a therapist (you can filter for insurance if you have it or a speciality). Search openpathcollective.org for therapists holding opening for clients $30-60/session. This is the time to try even one session from your home or your car or anywhere you can get some privacy. There are services that are text and email online (like BetterHelp and TalkSpace).

If you had a bad experience with a therapist before or just have a bad stereotype of psychotherapy, now is a good time to refresh that narrative and find the right match for you. The techniques they use are less important than the connection you feel with them. Search for someone you want to talk to. Give it 3 sessions to make up your mind.

Try it. You have nothing to lose but great insight and specific coping skills to gain.

From my heart to yours - hire a psychotherapist today.

We Were and Are All Coping

What strange times we are living in! So much of this experience is unprecedented. So much is still unknown. And, especially in the beginning, information was changing daily.

And yet many of you are doing ok, managing and maybe even learning to take advantage of a unique experience in small, progressive ways.

While I needed time myself to absorb it all and see how I felt and what I needed - and then what I wanted to do with my energy - I was able to stay connected to the pulse of my clients and my colleagues in NJ, NY and FL. I learned about the range of emotions and the range of experiences that people were having.

I observed how quickly we shifted to shame. Whether we were self-shaming or shaming others. Those on the couch celebrating in the occasional showers were shaming the hyperactive achievers posting their workouts and healthy meals on social media. And visa versa.

When in reality, we were and are all coping.

I didn’t notice anyone changing. Instead I saw an acceleration and intensification of each person’s personality and attitudes. So if you were scared before, you were terrified now. If you were disengaged from your life, you were disassociating from your body and the occurrences in the world now. If you were self absorbed before, then you were selfish and opportunistic now. If you were kind before, you were giving all you had and maybe too much now.

What have you learned about life in these unusual times? What have you learned about yourself? Write it down so you don’t forget. Get one new habit and start practicing it now to move toward that newly clarified value.

Pace yourself and above all, be kind to yourself. “Forgive and reset” as we often discuss in sessions together. Forgive yourself for being human and reset - each moment you can - back on track with your higher values. Self compassion serves to get you to your higher level goals in the long run.

Are you noticing more and more our interconnection to every living thing? Notice the impact that authentic human caring has on the small notes that make up the big symphonies.

Give yourself patience, kindness and empowerment.