You are not your body, your actions or even your emotions

Who Am I?

I know I've met my perfect client match when I hear someone ask this question. It is the question of all humanity since the beginning and until the end. Every philosopher, thinker, creator, artist surrounds their energy with this question. 

Most of us answer this with what we see outside of ourselves. I am the family role that I play (mother, father, child, sister, grandfather, etc). I am the way I earn a living. I am the way I treat others. I am how other's see me. I am the money that I earn. I am the neighborhood where I live or the group of people I connect to.

For some, the realization that "I am not those external things" happens when those things are taken away. This is often the experience of trauma. When what I know and how I define myself gets ripped away, demolished, destroyed and I am left flailing in nothingness.

Then we must ask again....Who Am I?

You are still here even though you are no longer anchored by that external sense of self. So "you" must be something else.

While there are a lot of resources out there on how you are not your body or your actions/behavior, I focus here on emotions since, for most of us, that's the hardest to wrap our mind around. And it's a topic I encounter often in my work supporting others in their quest to live more authentic, rich lives.

I believe "I am not my emotions" is the most abstract concept because it does come from the internal. "It is my internal world. These are my internal reactions therefore it must be me." However....if one thing makes you sad, another happy, another excited, another drained....if that same thing can create different feelings at different times...then "you" are being emotionally triggered but "you" don't change.

Here's the Bottom Line: Pretty much anything you can observe is not "you". You are the observer.

Now why is this important? 

If you truly grasp that you are not your emotions then you can experience any emotion and not lose sight of your sense of self, your life vision/purpose, your inner compass.

Imagine feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed and letting that wave pass. Observing it and labeling it for the experience that it is BUT not being swept away by it. Imagine not losing days, weeks, months or even years fighting to get back on track to the things that really matter to you.

Separate your sense of self from everything external to you AND your emotional reactions to things...and you are set free. You set yourself free.

When The World and Humanity Feel Hopeless and You Are Ready To Give Up

I'm sure you've been there. I know I have. Often.

From seeing the pain to regaining hope - it's a powerful and necessary journey.

When the disgust, fear, contempt, resentment, and hopelessness creep up into and around your consciousness...

So much so that even your body registers the emotions - nausea, low energy, headaches, upset stomach, aches and pains. You are at your limit. The world seems hopeless. You tune into every atrocity in every corner of the world down to the last interactions you've had with humans just today. Everything feels tainted and diseased. You think "what's the point". You close off. You isolate. And every interaction brings out the short-tempered, irritated reaction in you.

I won't deny you those feelings. They are powerful and can give some depth to our experience here on earth. However, they are toxic and debilitating if you allow your thoughts, emotions and eventually behavior to reflect this wave of hopelessness. And it is a wave.

Yes, it's true that humans are often cruel to each other, animals, and pretty much everything on planet earth. Yes, it's true that sometimes you feel used and abused by everyone that makes contact with you. Yes, it's true that your energy is depleted and you are feeling oh so done.

AND it's also true that feeling like this is a LOUD red flag that you are getting burned out - that it's time to slow down and self care. You probably got more subtle hints earlier on but dismissed them as part of life, part of being an adult, part of what everyone goes through. And you kept pushing forward denying your experiences. So now the message is loud and clear. You must replenish your energy source. You must come back to you so you can connect from that place within that resonates hope and joy. 

The world will invade your peace of mind and then you are no good for the world. But that same energy can flow from you with love toward the world through every interaction you have with others and through energy flow if that language speaks to you.

Emotional moments help us see "the truth" just at a magnified degree. And some of us seem to experience them more than others (don't hate on your super power!).  You've probably been on both ends. Wanting to scream from every rooftop "Don't you see how wrong this all is?! Don't you see what's really happening?!" And on another day, you are the person in a good place annoyed by the "over dramatic" nature of someone throwing this "tantrum".

It's all reality. It's all our truth. But I ask, what is most useful? Most productive? Most beneficial for the big picture?

When the wave of despair comes (and it comes strong), you can either help it take you down or ride it out until it passes. You can fight the wave of despair claiming it has no right to torture you like this and then lose the little energy you had left. Or you can accept the power of the wave - even see the benefit of it - and let it flow over you until it passes. It is not you. It is not an expression of weakness or fragility. It is just something that you are experiencing, going through, witnessing.

We need you here. We need you to let the wave pass and for you to regain your strength for the next time we are engulfed and need you to get us out. Don't underestimate the critical strength you possess. 

Every smile you give another person. Every time you really look into someone's eyes and feel the connection to each and every other life force, you are giving us your energy. 

Of course you are depleted. Rest. Find positive, light, happy things to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. Get a few good nights of sleep, drink water, be in the sun, sit in nature, eat some fresh fruits and vegetables and hug another living thing.

I am not asking you to deny the pain of this world. But I am asking you to focus on what does work. What feeds your soul. Get back into the ring and keep fighting for your vision of what is possible.

Like a boxer in the ring, every fighter can only take but so many hits before retrieving, regrouping, reenergizing and getting back in - sometimes stronger for it all and sometimes weaker, but fighting nonetheless.

The cycle - of angst, "giving up", retrieving, healing, regrouping, strengthening and reaffirming determination to make things better for all of us - is the breathe of life. All those stages are necessary. You need the pain to get grounded in reality and see things for what they are. You need the down time to reaffirm to yourself that you will take care for you. And you need the positive energy to make change in the world - one living thing, one moment, one system at a time.

Don't deny yourself any of those stages but don't dwell too long in any phase either. Don't fool yourself to think that the darkness is really that dark or the light really that bright.

In feeling the intensity you lose sight of the small truth you need to explore. Pay attention to the message but not the intensity. It's only screaming because that's what it took to get your attention since you've been ignoring your experience so long. Over the years, as you practice tuning in and trusting, the shorter and less painful these moments get.

Don't sit in the negative/reality checks because then you are sitting in quicksand. Don't sit in the retreat/heal phase because then you become disconnected and your energy does not impact. Don't sit in the positive/action mode because then you fool yourself to think that your mind, body and soul are not rich with information that might require you to take a different path.

Yes, humanity and the world are horrible much of the time but it's in the good that we reenergize in order to make the horrible better. Rest, regroup and come back to the hope of what can be.

Channel all your thoughts and actions toward the things you want to see in others and in the world. Together we can and do make real change.

Meeting with Other Clinicians

I am a proud mental health professional. I am a proud Social Worker. I am a proud Psychotherapist and Life-Goals Coach.

Contact with other professionals is a critical part of my professional experience. It is invigorating, connecting, intimidating and challenging.

In my career, I have mostly worked on teams. Usually with a range of experience, education (formal and informal) and value systems. When I started my private practice in 2012 after being in social service and business since 1994, I realized I would need to proactively search and connect to other professionals.

Why? Like everything we tell our clients - social support is one of the top items needed for a healthy existence. Whatever I realize on my own, I realize better and faster with others. We grow in connection.

I started a group now called Central NJ Mental Health Professionals Network. I hired a clinical supervisor. I hired a therapist. And I began teaching other professionals as an instructor with Rutgers University.

I just finished presenting a workshop with the amazing clinical team at Beth Israel Hospital in Newark, NJ. So this topic is fresh on my mind.

I left that night thinking about the clinicians and mental health advocates I get to witness, support, guide and learn from in their journeys to become the best they can be for their clients. I watched the team I taught that evening as they interacted with each other and how we ended up sitting together in more of a round table discussion than a lecture.

Here was a group of people, each with their own individual struggles, who pushed through traffic, unaffordable rent, Western culture of no breaks and go go go, not to mention the actual work of client after client in emotional pain and their attempts at various ways to cope. Just cope.

While I believe it is our duty to keep some people out of this line of work, it is also our duty to truly and practically support the ones that really "get it" to stay in it and grow in it. The ones that get that it is not their degrees that now make them valuable. The ones that get that no one else is responsible to make them feel good, satisfied, important, seen, heard, valued. The ones that get that when we all work on our own stuff we get better for everyone we interact with and the ripple effect has the capacity to change the world. The ones that get that helping is more important than any ego and that most of what you do will do unnoticed and unappreciated...even by you if you are not careful. The ones that get that effectively caregiving while we best care for ourselves is a gift unlike any other.

After many of the interactions I have with other professionals, I leave intimidated. I feel that I can never be as good as them. Those are the ones I want around me. They challenge me to reach my next level. I see where I want to get professionally and I strategize to get there. All while directly and proactively asking for support.

If you are considering becoming a clinician or are long in the trenches...I salute you! 

You'll Be Surprised What Comes Up If You Fill In The Blanks On This Sentence

Many of us have heard the phrase "If money was no issue, then I'd do ______". It's a great chance to see what comes up if you don't feel that limit.

But interestingly, if you add another "blank" then more fascinating information about you for you might come up. Ask it like this: "If _________ was no issue, then I'd do __________."

I know, I know...who needs more blank spaces?! But this game of self awareness is all about pushing toward the uncomfortable (not the painful...then you've gone too far but that's another blog).

Some things that can come up are:

• Time

• Health

• Energy

• Support System

• Unconditional Love

• Self Confidence

• Self Compassion

• Focus

• Discipline

• Inner peace

• [add yours]

While any one of these can tell you what has been weighing on your psychology the most, it also tells you were to begin changing your narrative. Not all things are as they seem and we can do amazing things when we even plant the seed that maybe things can be different ...or better yet that things ARE different.

In a moment you can get perspective. In a moment you can let go of a strong belief that guided you (and kept you safe) all these years. In fact, all the sentences that start with "I don't have enough ______" can appear almost comical. And humor is powerful in healing. 

Wipe your tears. Bring down your shoulders from the hit you are expecting. Unclench your fists. Come out of hiding.

Your new story is, "I have so much [time, health, energy, support, love, money, confidence, compassion, focus, discipline, peace] that I can breathe and I can take a step in that abundance. I can take advantage of all this because it is mine. It is available to me. I seek it out. I swim in it. I accept it. I start today with new eyes."

Start today with new eyes, heart AND mind. Breath it in. Act on all you have. There is more than you ever imagined when you let go of the old stories and see reality. Thank you, stories, for keeping me safe. Thank you, stories, for giving some explanation for all chaos I've felt. Goodbye, stories, because now you are holding me back and keeping me tied to those days.

Welcome to your reality.