Post-Election Trends in My Therapy Office

It has been an interesting 2 weeks. That's probably true for most of us. And seeing some of it play out in the therapy room has been fascinating.

Not one single session since #Election2016 has not touched on the impact of this election on people's thoughts, feelings and actions - regardless of political views.

I have to say, the extent surprised me. While I was expecting an impact, I did not expect the relevance of this topic weighing so heavily on people's minds and impacting their lives.... including their relationships.

Some of the interesting trends I saw were:

1. There was a personal hit to many people's sense of identity
2. Many people for the first time in their lives starting thinking globally
3. People were searching for other people who shared their experience and created impromptu support groups
4. Couples' communication issues came more to light depending on which couples could listen to each other, hold space for each other and support each other
5. Past trauma was triggered in the present
6. Intensity of emotion, as a result of the triggers and personal implications, was high including sadness, anger etc
7. Several people were moving through the grief stages
8. Everyone was going through their own time line and utilizing their own coping skills to adjust to the changing times

Please note that I am not a relationship therapist. Also, these trends were my experiences and do not represent trends in psychotherapy or life coaching.

Now that 2 weeks have passed I can see that people are moving back to the other issues they want addressed. However, the political changes and the triggers (of hope or hopelessness - of courage or fear) still seep into every conversation I am having. The impact of this election has touched many - some more aware of the impact than others. 

We can all learn a lot about ourselves from what upset us and what made us happy and how we responded to it all. We can all challenge ourselves to continue a journey of self awareness, self regulation, and proactive, relevant action steps rather than ruminating. Celebrate, grieve and integrate. Use your ever awakening knowledge of self. Then move to behaviors that are in line with your values rather than emotions.

Be brave.

What You Learn Applies To Real Life

I just came back into my office after helping a driver who got into a car accident to slow his breathing. Focused on helping him feel connected and secure. Back in my office, I sit here amazed at how so much of what I practice really works in the day to day. 

Ever wonder if you were going to use that algebra you learned in real life? Well you'll never wonder that about the mental health techniques you learn.

Those techniques will come in handy in your life at the most random and unexpected of times. It might be years past your therapeutic experience where you learned some tricks of self awareness, self soothing and self care but in a time of need you find yourself pulling those tools from the tool box. Dusting them off and feeling "Hey, wow. I can still do this."

You might have a loved one or a friend of a friend who is going through something. You'll remember what pain, confusion, overwhelm feel like. You'll harness the empathy, non-judgement, active listening skills that you learned to give yourself - now giving it to others.

There will be a car accident in front of your office and you will find yourself gently guiding a person in crisis into slow deep breathes.

It might be purposeful "Let me try this" or automatic "Hey, look at me. I think this is working."

Learning "tricks" for mental health and practicing them often enough so that they become part of your automatic response is a worthwhile investment in your future self and in your loved ones and in random strangers. It will not go to waste. It will only grow. And the ripple effects will show others that they can try too.

You can do more than wish things away or wish them better but actually take concrete steps toward making things better. It's worth it. We're worth it. Invest in you so we can all benefit.

He Has Road Rage But I'm The One Feeling Triggered

Commuting with a loved one who has road rage? 

Understanding the other's point of view is important to gain some perspective and to realize that there is no actual threat - just the other's person's issues coming to surface.

But acknowledging that you are being triggered is your cue to go into labeling the experience ("this is really stressful for me"), showing yourself some compassion (with self talk and caring touch like touching the side of your own face gently), and going into calming-the-body techniques.

Stress breathing technique: inhale for a count of four, hold for count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and repeat the cycle as many times as necessary to bring your pulse rate and blood pressure back to normal levels.

Deep, slow breathes. Focusing on the exhale to release the stress. Hmm-ing quietly to yourself. Distract yourself by doing the multiplication tables in your head. When you get out of the car you literally shake it off. Stop by the bathroom for a mini-timeout and acknowledge what you just went through and let it out by shaking your body.

Consider the option of using earphones in the car and listened to peaceful music whenever he enters a rage for more than a minute. Closing your eyes and "getting out of the car" in your mind might make it easier for you. Might be something worth discussing with him as a strategy when you are both calm.

If your partner is ever open to it, he might want to meet with someone to talk about the stress he is experiencing in his life. It's possible that some of it is being expressed on the road and could use a healthier outlet.

[Written by Anat Samid in response to a question about dealing with road raging romantic partner.]

You are not your body, your actions or even your emotions

Who Am I?

I know I've met my perfect client match when I hear someone ask this question. It is the question of all humanity since the beginning and until the end. Every philosopher, thinker, creator, artist surrounds their energy with this question. 

Most of us answer this with what we see outside of ourselves. I am the family role that I play (mother, father, child, sister, grandfather, etc). I am the way I earn a living. I am the way I treat others. I am how other's see me. I am the money that I earn. I am the neighborhood where I live or the group of people I connect to.

For some, the realization that "I am not those external things" happens when those things are taken away. This is often the experience of trauma. When what I know and how I define myself gets ripped away, demolished, destroyed and I am left flailing in nothingness.

Then we must ask again....Who Am I?

You are still here even though you are no longer anchored by that external sense of self. So "you" must be something else.

While there are a lot of resources out there on how you are not your body or your actions/behavior, I focus here on emotions since, for most of us, that's the hardest to wrap our mind around. And it's a topic I encounter often in my work supporting others in their quest to live more authentic, rich lives.

I believe "I am not my emotions" is the most abstract concept because it does come from the internal. "It is my internal world. These are my internal reactions therefore it must be me." However....if one thing makes you sad, another happy, another excited, another drained....if that same thing can create different feelings at different times...then "you" are being emotionally triggered but "you" don't change.

Here's the Bottom Line: Pretty much anything you can observe is not "you". You are the observer.

Now why is this important? 

If you truly grasp that you are not your emotions then you can experience any emotion and not lose sight of your sense of self, your life vision/purpose, your inner compass.

Imagine feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed and letting that wave pass. Observing it and labeling it for the experience that it is BUT not being swept away by it. Imagine not losing days, weeks, months or even years fighting to get back on track to the things that really matter to you.

Separate your sense of self from everything external to you AND your emotional reactions to things...and you are set free. You set yourself free.