Mental Health

Chaos is the default. Order is the work.

Look around you right now. Whatever space you're in - your desk, your inbox, your mind - there's likely some degree of disorder creeping in at the edges. A drawer that needs sorting. Emails that piled up. A relationship that's felt a little distant. A habit that slowly dissolved. This isn't a personal failure. It's physics.

The second law of thermodynamics tells us that systems naturally move toward disorder. Entropy - the tendency of things to fall apart, disperse, and unravel - is not a glitch. It's the default state of the universe. Left to itself, a garden becomes overgrown, a relationship becomes strained, a goal becomes a memory.

Order is not a destination you arrive at. It is a direction you keep choosing.

This truth, once you really absorb it, is both humbling and deeply freeing. Things don't deteriorate because you failed. They deteriorate because that's what things do. The remarkable achievement - the one that actually requires something of us - is building and sustaining order against that current.

Your life is no different

In my work with stressed professionals, one of the most common sources of quiet suffering I see is the belief that things should stay good on their own. That once they get the promotion, repair the relationship, or find the right routine, it should hold. When it doesn't - when the stress creeps back, the connection fades, the discipline slips - people conclude there's something wrong with them.

But what they're experiencing isn't dysfunction. It's entropy. It's the natural order doing what it does.

Your mental health is a system. Your relationships are systems. Your career, your focus, your sense of meaning - all systems. And systems require ongoing input to maintain themselves. They require attention, maintenance, and intentional effort not because you broke them, but because that's simply what it costs to keep anything alive and growing.

The effort is the point

Here's the reframe that changes everything: the maintenance isn't a tax on a life that should otherwise be easy. The maintenance is the life. The tending is the thing.

A reflection…

Think of a relationship you treasure. It didn't stay warm because no one touched it. It stayed warm because someone - you, them, both of you - kept putting energy in. A text. A conversation. A repair after conflict. Small, consistent acts of care. That's not overhead. That's love, doing its actual work.

The same applies to your emotional wellbeing. Therapy, journaling, honest conversations with yourself, moments of stillness - these aren't luxuries or signs that something is wrong. They are what it looks like to actively tend to a human mind. To choose order over entropy, not once, but regularly.

What this means for leveling up

Many people I work with want to improve - to grow in their careers, in their relationships, in their sense of self. And they absolutely can. But they often expect growth to happen on top of a stable base without accounting for the fact that the base requires work, too.

If you want to level anything up, you first have to be in relationship with where it currently is. That means looking honestly at what's drifting. Acknowledging the entropy that's accumulated - in your stress responses, in your communication patterns, in the story you tell yourself about who you are. Not with self-criticism, but with curiosity and willingness.

Growth is not a leap from disorder to order. It's the ongoing practice of choosing order - one small, deliberate act at a time.

The question isn't whether entropy will show up. It will. The question is whether you'll notice it, and what you'll do when you do.

Start where you are

You don't need a dramatic overhaul. You need to get honest about where things have been left untended, and to start - gently, without judgment - putting some energy back in. One conversation. One boundary. One session. One honest look at what's been drifting.

The natural order of things is chaos. And the most human thing you can do is keep choosing, deliberately and imperfectly, to create something different.

That's not weakness. That's the whole work.

Proud of You

It’s been quite the year! I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of the ups and downs you’ve endured and the lessons you took from each moment. I’m proud of you for resting and healing. I’m proud of you for dreaming so big you made yourself laugh with your audacity. I’m proud of you for taking smaller than small steps and staying consistent with the forward motion. I’m proud of you for being honest with yourself about your inner truth. I’m proud of you for having the courage to face letting go of what you know and finding ways to keep the good and let go of what no longer resonates. I’m proud of you for reconnecting to the things that matter to you but with a new found authenticity in this life chapter. I’m proud of you for taking the foundation of balance and progress and building on it. I’m proud of you for being proud of yourself.

I write this to one particular client I’ve worked with and I hope you know who you are. I see how this applies to all of us on the journey. Sometimes, on this journey, the things we can be proud of - we only see looking back.

Take your deep breathes, your deep rests, your deep introspections, your genuine care and respect for others that don’t consistently harm you, your new boundaries, your clear communication, your life mission statement….and savor the year to come.

I’m proud of you. I believe in you. I’m glad you are now beginning to feel it too.

The Power of Being ProActive

I never used to be one of those people that believed in our ability to influence by energetic intent. "The Secret" and other "think it and it will be" concepts never really resonated with me.

With all my years of professional and personal experience, I'm beginning to pay attention to the signs that seem to indicate otherwise despite all my best intentions to stay a non-believer.

I see more and more how many of us wish for things, hope for things, hold our breath for things...but take no action toward those things. Even if the action is taking a purposeful pause.

We all know that the one constant is change. We know that everything changes all the time. So we can ride the wave of change and see where it takes us. And it will take us somewhere. Ironically often somewhere pretty close to what we had wished or feared for just with a twist. But the twist can be unpleasant to say the least.

I get it. I live it. It's scary to purposely go toward change even if it's toward what we want. It means taking responsibility. It means really letting yourself know that this matters to you. Sometimes we have been dreaming about "some day" for so long and in such a bittersweet way that it has helped us through some really rough times. If we actually take steps toward the dream and fail then we fear we will lose the hope that keeps us afloat - risking emotional devastation.

You might ask: Why risk letting myself down? (Someone else hurts me or disappoints me, then I'm clear on who the bad guy is and I can rest easy knowing I am a victim of circumstance. I can protect myself from feeling bad about myself.) But if I let myself down, it would be too painful.

Does this inner dialogue sound somewhat familiar?

How about the inner dialogue that tells you that letting others know that you desperately want something... and that you're going to actually try for it and will likely fail a few hundred times...can feel like handing over power. They can judge you, humiliate you, remind you of your failings until the end of time....

Being that vulnerable doesn't come natural to many of us.

Ever notice that the universe (or however you define the energy force that moves all around you) will give you a kick in the pants - sometimes an avalanche over the head - to move you, to shake you, to create change? While you are stuck in your internal debate and your psychology does all it can to keep you from creating change (i.e., keep you safe), the universe has other plans. Nature grows and evolves. You are part of it all. You can put yourself in the best environment FOR YOU to grow and evolve.

Ever wonder how different your life would look if you proactively went for what you wanted?

If you purposely and succinctly wrote down your vision of success. If you created some long term goals and then some short term goals. And then took one short term goal and broke it down to teeny tiny steps. And then chose one of those steps to take today...without delay.

How much stress and extra complications would you avoid if you just went straight for what you wanted? If the universe didn't need to nudge you along?

You know that nudging....the nudging that comes in the form of the minor annoyance all the way to the worst imaginable trauma. You get fired from the job you hated. Your car gets totaled as you were debating to sell it or not. You are craving a change in your relationship that comes and now you need to decide what you really want. You lose your money and realize what you had all along.

How many times did you realize "I ended up braver, wiser, more authentic for this experience"? You wouldn't wish the nightmare on yourself but if it didn't happen you wouldn't have been shoved in this particular direction. Now you have passions you know you must feed urgently and not just neglect in the hope that "someday things will just work out."

The excitement and joy - that can come from going for the things that you have thought and processed and contemplated about - is fuel for the soul. Give yourself the gift of being proactive. Of dreaming and trying.

Just one small step today towards the larger vision can let the universe know you don't need another kick the pants today....you are in motion. You will focus and facilitate the emergence of your next exciting chapter!

 

[Picture credit: http://longspark.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/art-therapy-career2.jpg]

Community in 2022

Why does it take so much pain to change? Waiting for a disaster to make a plan isn’t usually the best course of action. It seems that, as human beings, we often don’t make tough, healthy moves - moves that will benefit us in the long term but take effort in the short term. That is unless we are up against a wall and feel like we absolutely have no choice but to make a change.

I invite you to consider proactive, preventative approaches as an easier, more effective way of living. This applies to so many topics such has physical health, fitness, financial stability, educational degrees, professional mobility, etc.

For example, we know that people who attend preventative care medical appointments and follow a healthy lifestyle BEFORE they are sick, often don’t get as sick or sick for as long. We can invest in our well being.

Investing in our relationships is another preventative approach that can make life easier and better. Life is hard. No one is arguing that. We also know that we are social beings and our positive, meaningful relationships are fundamental for life.

So so many people feel like there is no one to talk to when they are feeling sad - angry, hurt, overwhelmed. When we don’t feel like we have at least one person who can listen with true focus, true care and not jump to fix us - then we hurt and feel lonely.

As a result, we reach out even less. Others will assume that we don’t need or want to talk. So they stop asking. And then we feel like, “I knew it. No one cares”.

Consider how you are encouraging this reality without realizing it. How can you begin making small changes to take yourself along another more connected path?

In connection, we heal faster. We get unwell less often.

Make it your 2022 goal to invest your time and energy toward people who you trust.

  • If you feel you have no one, start by journaling to yourself. You don’t have to go back and read it or ever share it. In fact, you can delete it, tear it up or burn it as soon as you write it.

  • You can also hire a psychotherapist or counselor to talk to confidentially for at least once a week. Get some things off your chest. Say some things out loud - outside your own head.

  • Look around to the people around you. Who wants to be there for you? Can you nurture that relationship?

Start by being clear with yourself about why you don’t honestly share your experiences and emotions with this person. Then practice finding the words to ask for what you need. Maybe you just need them to listen for 10 minutes without giving advice. Now ask for it. Give them at least 3 chances to give you what you need while you remind them of what the new boundaries are for you. Boundaries let you get closer to people - believe it or not.

Give people a chance to learn the new way of best communicating with you. And if they just can’t do it (because they are not there in their emotional journey yet), then find someone who can.

  • Consider joining groups of people that have similar things on their mind as you do or have walked the path you are currently walking.

Another step is learning to be a better listener yourself. Ask someone how they are doing and actually listen without telling them about you or trying to “fix” their stress. It’s harder than it sounds. But it’s a skill you can learn and get better at every day.

Being open and honest is not comfortable for most of us.

But it’s a good habit to get into.

One day you might really need to talk and you want to have that relationship already set up for it. You won’t regret having a close, healthy, honest, caring inner circle of people who authentically want the best for you - whatever that means for you.

Take a chance on community for your future.