You Don't Have To Talk About It

Only you decide what is talked about in your therapy sessions. You don't have to answer a question just because it was asked. You don't need to share any story you are not comfortable sharing. There is no topic you must address before you feel ready. If that feels odd or challenging for you, maybe you can discuss THAT in your next session.

For many of us, it can be a strange notion that there is a space just for us. A space where we don’t have to worry at all about the other person. We don’t need to worry if we offended them, if they are judging us, or if they will hold what we say against us later.

When we let ourselves lean into this safe emotional and verbal place where anything…and nothing….can be said, it is freeing.

A therapist who has done their own therapy and their own self growth over the years, will not NEED anything from you. They won’t need you to share, they won’t need you to “improve”, they won’t need you to schedule another session. They are here to support your journey.

The grounded therapist will know their limitations and will beautifully hold their own boundaries so you don’t have to for them. You can trust them to tell you if they are beyond their skill level to help and if they professionally assess that there is a danger if you are not able to get the help you need. Safety is where we draw the line.

But other than safety issues, there are no requirements for therapy. There are preferences. There are methods that, to date, appear more effective. But there are no mandates.

• Have you ever just sat in silence with your therapist?

• Have you ever said, “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet. Can we change subjects?”

• Have you ever stopped mid sentence and tuned into your body only to realize you were not feeling safe and were only sharing something with your therapist because you felt you should…so you stopped sharing?

• Have you ever had a therapist tune into your distressed state while sharing, and asked you to explore that sensation and/or ground before re-entering the subject?

My clients know that their ability to tune into their body, their emotions and thoughts is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that being non-judgmental about their self-observation is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that their ability to set their boundaries with me is not only safe but encouraged.

You don’t owe anybody anything in the therapeutic space. You have the opportunity to observe yourself.

If you don’t feel like you can do these things, then THAT is a great topic for your next session. “Can we explore why I might not feel comfortable?” Sometimes, it is your own journey with your primary care givers or other relationships that taught what you were required to do in interaction with others (self protect, give others all of you even if you don’t want to, disconnect from what you feel/want in relationship, etc).

If your therapist gets defensive, then they have not done their own work and they got triggered. That’s not your responsibility. Give them a chance to, but if after 2-3 attempts, they are still getting defensive, that might not be the therapist to help you heal if they have not healed themselves.

Therapy sessions are your space. You are learning and growing in relation to another. Your issues will surface in that connection. Notice them and give yourself a chance to heal non-judgmentally. That’s one goal of therapy.

Racial Trauma

I am a white woman by American standards so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I can never speak to the racial injustice that others have experienced in this country from first hand experience.

But I hope to speak to the trauma cycle.

If anyone thinks that African Americans are not terrorized in this country, they are miseducated but have the opportunity to self regulate and listen. When someone says they are experiencing trauma, listen. It is not about you. You do not need to defend yourself. It is about them and what they experienced. What happened to them has been done but they need to heal and we all need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Whether we are talking about bullying, rape, assault or murder - they are all forms of violence that are the entire community’s responsibility to address.

Listen for what they are actually saying rather than how they are saying it or how they are acting. Listen for the “I’m scared” “I feel powerless and hopeless” “I don’t know how to go on from here” “Am I alone in this fight for my life?”

And if you need to test in your mind the oppressive position of the African American in this country, there is one simple question: Would you want to be Black in America? Would you be willing to change the color of your skin for the rest of your life in this country?

Sometimes it’s being murdered. Sometimes it’s being tortured. Sometimes it’s being objectified. Sometimes it’s being sexualized. Sometimes it’s not getting the job, a fair wage or the promotion. Sometimes is not getting the housing. Sometimes it not getting the cab ride. Sometimes it’s not being allowed to date another race. Sometimes it’s needing a White American to vouch for you before you can do anything. The list goes on. Daily. For decades.

Of course keep your body safe but don’t suppress their anger. It is a healthy expression of oppression. That is what is normal. I wonder: Why do you not feel rage too? What is about anger that scares you? Maybe it’s time to face that.

The anger will bring change. It can be turned outward (in protests and lobbying) and it can be turned inward (in layers of self hate and shame). But let it be expressed in any way it comes out while you keep your own body safe.

After the victim is heard and is allowed to fully feel all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), then they can heal and we can heal as a community.

Our work is never done until everyone is physically safe in this world. Everyone.

Leave the emotional safety for the next stage of healing but first provide physical safety.

You cannot heal from trauma when you continue to be attacked. If you cannot feel peace then you cannot mend. If you cannot heal then the generational narrative of danger and the goal of mere survival continues.

There is more to humanity than surviving. There is thriving. We can do it. We must first guarantee physical safety for all.

Right now we are facing yet another opportunity to turn this country’s direction toward safety. Stay angry enough to make a change. Stay strategic enough to make a real ever lasting change. There are many groups that experience oppression but the Black community in America has a unique place in our ongoing narrative.

You and I both know there are many many people who have been afraid in their own homes, in their own communities and in this world. Every time we work together to organize communities, learn from each other and gain the skills of self awareness and self regulation, we in turn help ourselves.

You might not understand the fear of being an African American man or woman in America but I bet you know what it feels like to feel scared, hopeless and powerless in some capacity. It is the human experience. Use how that feels in your body to understand another. Think of what support you could have used when you experienced that as a child or as an adult, and now give that to others.

From My Heart...Now Is The Time To Hire A Psychotherapist

Here is a note I shared with my friends…

I think most of you know I am a psychotherapist since 2011. I've been in the field for many years before as a social worker in many different roles. So I say this as a professional who is devoted to the most amazing career and a friend....please hire a psychotherapist today. You do not need to be in crisis to talk to someone.

There is something magical about having one hour a week just for you about you. You can say anything and say it any way you want. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, we take whatever you share to our grave.

You can change your mind a moment after you said it and that's fine. You can stop talking at all when you want. You can cry, scream, laugh or vent. Many therapists offer video or phone sessions and will work with you if you don't have insurance to find an affordable rate.

Search psychologytoday.com to find a therapist (you can filter for insurance if you have it or a speciality). Search openpathcollective.org for therapists holding opening for clients $30-60/session. This is the time to try even one session from your home or your car or anywhere you can get some privacy. There are services that are text and email online (like BetterHelp and TalkSpace).

If you had a bad experience with a therapist before or just have a bad stereotype of psychotherapy, now is a good time to refresh that narrative and find the right match for you. The techniques they use are less important than the connection you feel with them. Search for someone you want to talk to. Give it 3 sessions to make up your mind.

Try it. You have nothing to lose but great insight and specific coping skills to gain.

From my heart to yours - hire a psychotherapist today.

We Were and Are All Coping

What strange times we are living in! So much of this experience is unprecedented. So much is still unknown. And, especially in the beginning, information was changing daily.

And yet many of you are doing ok, managing and maybe even learning to take advantage of a unique experience in small, progressive ways.

While I needed time myself to absorb it all and see how I felt and what I needed - and then what I wanted to do with my energy - I was able to stay connected to the pulse of my clients and my colleagues in NJ, NY and FL. I learned about the range of emotions and the range of experiences that people were having.

I observed how quickly we shifted to shame. Whether we were self-shaming or shaming others. Those on the couch celebrating in the occasional showers were shaming the hyperactive achievers posting their workouts and healthy meals on social media. And visa versa.

When in reality, we were and are all coping.

I didn’t notice anyone changing. Instead I saw an acceleration and intensification of each person’s personality and attitudes. So if you were scared before, you were terrified now. If you were disengaged from your life, you were disassociating from your body and the occurrences in the world now. If you were self absorbed before, then you were selfish and opportunistic now. If you were kind before, you were giving all you had and maybe too much now.

What have you learned about life in these unusual times? What have you learned about yourself? Write it down so you don’t forget. Get one new habit and start practicing it now to move toward that newly clarified value.

Pace yourself and above all, be kind to yourself. “Forgive and reset” as we often discuss in sessions together. Forgive yourself for being human and reset - each moment you can - back on track with your higher values. Self compassion serves to get you to your higher level goals in the long run.

Are you noticing more and more our interconnection to every living thing? Notice the impact that authentic human caring has on the small notes that make up the big symphonies.

Give yourself patience, kindness and empowerment.