If you are scared of something, learn more about it

I love things that are counter-intuitive. Going toward something that scares you is definitely one of those things.

Here’s one of my favorite mottos: "If you are scared of something, learn more about it" - because it takes things one step slower. You don't even have to go towards it, you can just learn more about it.

Learning about something is painless. (Well, except for the psychological reactions the information can trigger but that’s just an opportunity for curiosity.) 

  1. Collecting data.

  2. Taking notes.

  3. Increasing awareness.

These are all steps that can feel more manageable when the mountain ahead of you feels daunting.

You might be clear on where you want to go. You might even be clear how to get there. But your meaning making - the messages you are telling yourself about the process and the end result - might be blocking you from getting there.

Your system is telling you that something feels unsafe and it is wired with one and only one task: survival. So while there is a part of you that wants to move past the wall of fear to the possibilities on the other side, another part of you wants to keep everything exactly where it is.

To stay safe in the familiar.

  • Notice those feelings

  • Honor their attempts to keep you safe

  • And then figure out one small step you CAN take without feeling overwhelmed

Learning more about a subject can be exactly that first step.

We know that different forms of exposure therapy are extremely effective in coping with many different kinds of fear. The version in our head is usually much scarier than real life. (Again, that protective part trying to prepare for even the most remote worst case scenario.)

Exposure therapies rest on this notion that once we take small manageable steps in the direction we know is healthy for us (but scary) then we increase our comfort and are ready for yet another step.

This applies to your journey. Think about what overwhelms your life right now - what would allow you to feel free if I could magically take it away. Now get curious. Learn more. See what it means to act. And take the step in the direction you want to go. Reward yourself and self soothe again. Now take another step. Keep going toward and forward!

Work/Life Balance as a Caregiving Professional

I was asked these questions from a budding new professional entering the human services field. Can you relate to any of these experiences? What would be your feedback?

Q: How does work/life impact family life/home life?

A: Being in the human service field means using yourself as the conduit for change. It involves using who you are and what you have to support others in reaching their goals. Often family life will support that and other times it will be in conflict with your profession. Family life can offer balance, boundaries and a much healthier overall life. It can also be difficult to have anything left to give to your loved ones when you focused on listening, being present and helpful to others all day.

Q: What things do you do to balance work life and home life?

A: Today I've learned to prioritize my family and personal life over my professional life. I feed that first because it feeds me. And then I have more to give my clients. I carve out time when I do not deal with work - no reading emails, no researching a particular subject of interest, etc. I spend the evenings and weekends without thinking about work as much as I can. And give myself permission to savor my job when I'm at work without feeling like I need to be distracted by personal issues. The professional focus is my life energy but it no longer is the only source of energy for me.

Q: When working in human services what specific challenges do you often see?

A: The biggest challenges in the field are that often the most vulnerable and "in-need-of-resources" clients are paired with the most ill-equipped professionals. Agency work is the hardest (but a critical component of the professional growth process). There are often very few resources for clinicians to do their job properly, ineffective training and supervision - people are over worked with too large of a case load and tons of documentation to do that often leaves little time and energy for quality work with the clients. Management in the field tends to not be good and employees leave not because of the work but because of their leadership team. There is a lot of unethical practice and many professionals that should never be in this field and often do more harm than anything, as well as a mentality that human service professionals don't need money or respect just the warm fuzzy feeling that they are helping others. That's internalized and we often keep ourselves down because of that core belief.

Q: Do you ever feel you spend too much time at work? If yes, do you feel this affects your home life?

A: Absolutely when I first started my career. I now work for myself and can self-regulate it. When I worked for others I had to work unrealistic hours sometimes and then bring work home just to try and catch up with paperwork. When I ran a program, I was on call 24/7 and was either working or thinking about work. Today I focus on balance but I am in a privileged position to be selective over where, when, how I work. Back in the day I would often want to go non-verbal at the end of the day or on the weekends. I had no energy to play or socialize in a way that would actually re-energize me. So I wasn't connecting as much to others. Unless I felt they needed me which got me stuck in a cycle of being the helper (one way relationships) in my personal life.

Q: What role do you feel you take on at home (wife, mom, sister etc.) and what do you do within that role?

A: I try not to use my clinical skills in my personal relationships but its hard to separate because my skills are all about constantly trying to be a better human and help others toward that goal however they see it. I give myself permission to find support with other people in my profession because often people not in the field cannot understand some of the intense experiences I have. I give myself permission to make mistakes and not practice everything I preach. I try to remember I'm human too and am allowed to be as flawed as everyone else and ask for help every step of the way.

Q: When working with people, do you ever see the issue of stereotypes/sexism causing an issue in those peoples lives?

A: Absolutely, 100%. Any -ism is a huge part of the human experience. The more I expose myself to other people and listen to their reality, the better I get at holding space for them.

The goal is to be conscious of it all and make moves toward progress.

I am lucky enough to make a living doing the thing I would do for free. It simply is who I am and how I walk the earth. I would find a way to do it no matter what profession or where you put me. Even when I would take a break from the field (because I would move out of state and not be licensed to practice), I used my skills and found an excellent balance between emotional intelligence and business goal attainment. I love human stories. I am curious about people's version of the truth and how it manifests their behavior. Best of luck to you in your “balance” journey!