Self Discovery and Personal Goal Achievement

We all have goals. For some of us it’s just getting through the day. For some it’s realizing our purest joy. When we cannot get from here to there, even though we understand the steps it takes to get there, it’s time to look at the underlying issues that are serving as roadblocks.

In your life, you are the tool that gets the job done. There is nothing else. The more fine tuned that tool is, the more you are prepared to handle whatever goes wrong and savor whatever goes well.  If you are functioning under inaccurate beliefs (such as everyone will eventually hurt me, whatever I build someone else will eventually destroy, I am not a good person, I will alway ruin everything) then you act based on those beliefs from a scared, cautious place. 

To reach the goals you establish, you first need to visualize them and then connect with your true self to get there. Finding your true self is reconnecting to your essence from birth. It’s hearing that inner voice, giving it space, respecting it and responding to it with permission and healthy boundaries.  You need to learn who you are aside from the external definitions of you.... such as your appearance, your job, your family, etc. You need to learn what makes you scared, excited, peaceful. What are your core beliefs and how are they productive toward your visions of success? What's your true inner voice versus the internalized messages of your family, friends, media, etc?

Start with trying new things and learning in those experiences what are your boundaries. Learning what external factors make you feel like “I get to” do it versus “I have to/I should/I don’t wanna” will help guide your creation of a life game plan. 

Unblock your own path. And in so doing save time and energy in reaching those goals..... or prevent self sabotaging before or after you get there. Activate your behavior in order to learn about yourself. Then fine tune your choices to create a life in which you are engaging and embracing every experience!

"It take courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." - E. E. Cummings

Bonus secret - no one does this process alone. Find like-minded people on this journey. Get support; get mentorship; get brave, kind-hearted people to challenge your thinking. You will benefit each other and the ripple effects will give the rest of us courage for our journeys.

When I Introduce Growth Mindset To My Clients

As many of you know, I am a big believer in the Growth Mindset. While I still work on staying true to it myself sometimes, it is my guiding drive. Some of the people I work with already possess this Mindset and that is exactly why they seek me out. They are focused and determined to take their lives to the next level!

Some get introduced to the Mindset for the first time in our work together and the "ah ha" moments can be riveting. You can learn and teach this Mindset. (Check out the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck)

Here are some of the ways that together we've come to see it.....

There are several mindsets or perspectives on life that guide our actions. The Growth Mindset is one that values constant challenge. It prioritizes learning and improving. Success is measured by seeing a challenge, getting excited by the opportunity to overcome, and going for change!

Can you imagine thinking, “that would be so hard to do...how exciting!” versus "this is so hard - clearly I'm not meant to do this; it's not for me." Can you imagine viewing everything (success or failure) as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, gain more tools for the next adventure, and setting your sights higher?

If success or failure did not have a good or bad connotation (because it said nothing about you as a person) but rather triggered a curious feeling in you, it would lead to breaking down the core beliefs in your head that something is not worth the effort. That you are not worth the effort. 

The opposite of all this is the Fixed Mindset that values “you’re either born with it or not”; ”you have it or you don’t” which is determined by “was it easy for you”? 

The Growth Mindset exclaims, “if it’s easy for you, you’re ready for the next challenge!” While pain is never the goal, discomfort is. The discomfort signals the possibility to evolve, transform and take your life on a new trajectory. 

For some of us, the discomfort comes when going for that dream job, asking that person out, trying to make new friends in the neighborhood, starting meditation, letting go of the past, starting to exercise, moving homes, or seeking real emotional intimacy with anyone. Sound familiar? Whatever the stimulus is, it's your body and mind that are telling you to beware. That is the attempt at self protection. 

When you are fear based, you heed those warnings and stay clear of the challenge - holding on to routine and predictable outcomes. Perfectionism and anger can be indicators of this. BUT, when you teach yourself the Growth Mindset and practice it, you thank your body and mind for the attempt to keep you safe but then you are able to take the next step to assess real danger versus emotions.

When you value growth, you will feel discomfort and you will learn to be excited by it rather than afraid. Like the burn after a good workout, you will know that you are investing in your future self. You will develop a relationship with yourself based on trust and inspiration - one that says, “I can handle it. I can do this. Bring it on!”

There Is No Magic Behind Psychotherapy

At least not the way I do it....

It's scary to think or much less believe that you are in charge in your session. Not the person you think of as the expert. Get this: Every single thing that happens comes from you. Your counselor gets credit for nothing.

If they are good...they have spent years understanding themselves and understanding the human condition. They will have done this through books and conferences and clinical supervision but mostly through real life exposure to the experiences you are having.

And then, they simply don't get in your way. They give you space to be. They give you space to express. They give you the "I hear you. I see you" we all need to connect to our genuine self that is not afraid to explore our greatest fears. They introduce curiosity to you about you.

It is in that space of human connection, without judgement or consequence for trying out different ways to figure out "who am I?", that the non-magic occurs. It brings me chills every time I get to be in a room, or a nature walk, or a video conference with a person determined to keep trying. To change the trajectory of their existence.

Your courage and effort brings the change. There is no magic. Keep it up!

Abandonment Issues and the Holidays....Let the triggers begin!

I hate to be such a scrooge during what for many people is a fun time.  But for most of the people I've met, the holidays are actually incredibly stressful and bordering on (if not drenched in) being a nightmare.

While that stress comes from many places, I will say this....when your triggers of emotional abandonment and the subsequent fears of abandonment come in full force then it's hard to be genuinely "jolly" or festive.

We all want to belong.  It's fundamental. It's human.  Craving that approval and connection is what makes you human not what makes you sick.  Understanding where the intensity comes from can free you from the emotional slavery of stimulus/response/stimulus/response forever and ever.

You get to PAUSE. Think. Decide what you really want/need to do based on YOUR values and YOUR big life goals.  Not based on old stories you have in your head - old feelings that taint every experience of success and joy.  Toxic feelings and thoughts that tell you, "I am not worthy of love, acceptance, peace." That you were left or are being left because you aren't enough.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. COMPLETELY ENOUGH. COMPLETE. 

Find you and your peace.  Make the holidays work for you and shake that totally false belief that everyone but you is happy.  Be brave so that others can see what it is to think for yourself and do what is best (aka aimed at growth and improvement).... not necessarily what has always been done. Remember, it really isn't about that other person or situation. It's about what it is triggering in you.  That's what is interesting.  That's where you put your energy.  That's where real change comes.

First calm yourself (ask me in session for technique ideas) and then close your eyes and go inward. You can not guide your moves until you have a game plan. You cannot act in line with your values if you don't know what your values are.  If you are just pushing against the false beliefs you were fed then you are still acting in stimulus/response mode.

What do you need? Answer me that.  Why can't you get it?  What's one small thing you can do right now to get closer to getting it.

Own your life.  Pause. Think. Decide. Happy holidays and all days to you!