Blog
Because some decision need to be made quickly. But many of the biggest decisions in our lives deserve to be made from a place where we can access safety, connection, and curiosity - not just urgency.
You don't have to be completely calm to make a good decision.
But learning how to become grounded enough to stay safe, social, and curious may help you make decisions that are more aligned with the life you actually want to build.
In the darkest moments - when we are frightened, overwhelmed, disappointed, or feel as though everything is falling apart - we can catch a glimpse of something much deeper beneath our usual ways of functioning.
Our deepest protective narratives.
Why does it take so much pain to change? Waiting for a disaster to make a plan isn’t usually the best course of action. It seems that, as human beings, we often don’t make tough, healthy moves - moves that will benefit us in the long term but take effort in the short term. That is unless we are up against a wall and feel like we absolutely have no choice but to make a change.
I invite you to consider proactive, preventative approaches as an easier, more effective way of living. This applies to so many topics such has physical health, fitness, financial stability, educational degrees, professional mobility, etc.
For example, we know that people who attend preventative care medical appointments and follow a healthy lifestyle BEFORE they are sick, often don’t get as sick or sick for as long. We can invest in our well being.
Investing in our relationships is another preventative approach that can make life easier and better. Life is hard. No one is arguing that. We also know that we are social beings and our positive, meaningful relationships are fundamental for life.
So so many people feel like there is no one to talk to when they are feeling sad - angry, hurt, overwhelmed. When we don’t feel like we have at least one person who can listen with true focus, true care and not jump to fix us - then we hurt and feel lonely.
As a result, we reach out even less. Others will assume that we don’t need or want to talk. So they stop asking. And then we feel like, “I knew it. No one cares”.
Consider how you are encouraging this reality without realizing it. How can you begin making small changes to take yourself along another more connected path?
In connection, we heal faster. We get unwell less often.
Make it your 2022 goal to invest your time and energy toward people who you trust.
If you feel you have no one, start by journaling to yourself. You don’t have to go back and read it or ever share it. In fact, you can delete it, tear it up or burn it as soon as you write it.
You can also hire a psychotherapist or counselor to talk to confidentially for at least once a week. Get some things off your chest. Say some things out loud - outside your own head.
Look around to the people around you. Who wants to be there for you? Can you nurture that relationship?
Start by being clear with yourself about why you don’t honestly share your experiences and emotions with this person. Then practice finding the words to ask for what you need. Maybe you just need them to listen for 10 minutes without giving advice. Now ask for it. Give them at least 3 chances to give you what you need while you remind them of what the new boundaries are for you. Boundaries let you get closer to people - believe it or not.
Give people a chance to learn the new way of best communicating with you. And if they just can’t do it (because they are not there in their emotional journey yet), then find someone who can.
Consider joining groups of people that have similar things on their mind as you do or have walked the path you are currently walking.
Another step is learning to be a better listener yourself. Ask someone how they are doing and actually listen without telling them about you or trying to “fix” their stress. It’s harder than it sounds. But it’s a skill you can learn and get better at every day.
Being open and honest is not comfortable for most of us.
But it’s a good habit to get into.
One day you might really need to talk and you want to have that relationship already set up for it. You won’t regret having a close, healthy, honest, caring inner circle of people who authentically want the best for you - whatever that means for you.
Take a chance on community for your future.
At least not the way I do it....
It's scary to think or much less believe that you are in charge in your session. Not the person you think of as the expert. Get this: Every single thing that happens comes from you. Your counselor gets credit for nothing.
If they are good...they have spent years understanding themselves and understanding the human condition. They will have done this through books and conferences and clinical supervision but mostly through real life exposure to the experiences you are having.
And then, they simply don't get in your way. They give you space to be. They give you space to express. They give you the "I hear you. I see you" we all need to connect to our genuine self that is not afraid to explore our greatest fears. They introduce curiosity to you about you.
It is in that space of human connection, without judgement or consequence for trying out different ways to figure out "who am I?", that the non-magic occurs. It brings me chills every time I get to be in a room, or a nature walk, or a video conference with a person determined to keep trying. To change the trajectory of their existence.
Your courage and effort brings the change. There is no magic. Keep it up!
