Therapy Today Isn't Your Parent's Therapy

Trauma treatment has changed over the years. Psychoanalysis was everything - talk therapy was everything. Since the 90's we are incorporating neuroscience and mind/body work to calm the nervous system.

Trauma can be anything that shakes up your world and unsettles your nervous system - and there are different degrees of it. Your nervous system sends information to the brain and back to the rest of the body. It can impact your digestion, muscle tension, memory, etc.

All of our reactions are normal and wonderfully wired to keep us alive. It’s only when we get stuck in those states of survival - for example hyper alertness or numbness - that we need help.

Working with a therapist, you will explore your stories and experiences. And you will also practice tuning into the body. How does your body feel right now? What emotion(s) are you feeling? You can use the emotion wheel (below) as a resource to find a close enough word. Where in your body are you feeling it?

Connecting to your body, noticing and naming your experience can help to calm your nervous system after it has a reaction to something that happened - good or bad.

Practicing 1-3 techniques that calm the body a bit can then help to take you from a reactionary freaked out state (“what is going on?!!!”) to a mindful state (“I’m noticing” “I am in this moment”). That mindful (being present in this moment as it is) state can then provide information on how to proceed.

There are hundreds of techniques to help calm the body. You practice the ones that work for you. Your therapist is there to help with all of that.

When you increase your window of tolerance - you can tolerate a range of emotions - you are more in control.

With (1) awareness, (2) non-judgment over your experience and (3) somatic practical techniques to center again - now you can get (4) strategic. What’s the next best move that is in line with your current values?

Your nervous system might still be trying to keep you safe and alive so don’t get mad at the process. When we don’t heal our traumas, the activated or numb state can even last years. Taking time to calm the nervous system allows healing to happen.

We move from trying to survive and coping in the short term to investing in long term tools that help heal throughout all of life’s pain and suffering.

Psychedelic treatments are now coming back into research and we are seeing some interesting developments in the trauma world. Stay tuned….

Emotion Wheel

Community in 2022

Why does it take so much pain to change? Waiting for a disaster to make a plan isn’t usually the best course of action. It seems that, as human beings, we often don’t make tough, healthy moves - moves that will benefit us in the long term but take effort in the short term. That is unless we are up against a wall and feel like we absolutely have no choice but to make a change.

I invite you to consider proactive, preventative approaches as an easier, more effective way of living. This applies to so many topics such has physical health, fitness, financial stability, educational degrees, professional mobility, etc.

For example, we know that people who attend preventative care medical appointments and follow a healthy lifestyle BEFORE they are sick, often don’t get as sick or sick for as long. We can invest in our well being.

Investing in our relationships is another preventative approach that can make life easier and better. Life is hard. No one is arguing that. We also know that we are social beings and our positive, meaningful relationships are fundamental for life.

So so many people feel like there is no one to talk to when they are feeling sad - angry, hurt, overwhelmed. When we don’t feel like we have at least one person who can listen with true focus, true care and not jump to fix us - then we hurt and feel lonely.

As a result, we reach out even less. Others will assume that we don’t need or want to talk. So they stop asking. And then we feel like, “I knew it. No one cares”.

Consider how you are encouraging this reality without realizing it. How can you begin making small changes to take yourself along another more connected path?

In connection, we heal faster. We get unwell less often.

Make it your 2022 goal to invest your time and energy toward people who you trust.

• If you feel you have no one, start by journaling to yourself. You don’t have to go back and read it or ever share it. In fact, you can delete it, tear it up or burn it as soon as you write it.

• You can also hire a psychotherapist or counselor to talk to confidentially for at least once a week. Get some things off your chest. Say some things out loud - outside your own head.

• Look around to the people around you. Who wants to be there for you? Can you nurture that relationship?

Start by being clear with yourself about why you don’t honestly share your experiences and emotions with this person. Then practice finding the words to ask for what you need. Maybe you just need them to listen for 10 minutes without giving advice. Now ask for it. Give them at least 3 chances to give you what you need while you remind them of what the new boundaries are for you. Boundaries let you get closer to people - believe it or not.

Give people a chance to learn the new way of best communicating with you. And if they just can’t do it (because they are not there in their emotional journey yet), then find someone who can.

• Consider joining groups of people that have similar things on their mind as you do or have walked the path you are currently walking.

Another step is learning to be a better listener yourself. Ask someone how they are doing and actually listen without telling them about you or trying to “fix” their stress. It’s harder than it sounds. But it’s a skill you can learn and get better at every day.

Being open and honest is not comfortable for most of us.

But it’s a good habit to get into.

One day you might really need to talk and you want to have that relationship already set up for it. You won’t regret having a close, healthy, honest, caring inner circle of people who authentically want the best for you - whatever that means for you.

Take a chance on community for your future.

You Don't Have To Talk About It

Only you decide what is talked about in your therapy sessions. You don't have to answer a question just because it was asked. You don't need to share any story you are not comfortable sharing. There is no topic you must address before you feel ready. If that feels odd or challenging for you, maybe you can discuss THAT in your next session.

For many of us, it can be a strange notion that there is a space just for us. A space where we don’t have to worry at all about the other person. We don’t need to worry if we offended them, if they are judging us, or if they will hold what we say against us later.

When we let ourselves lean into this safe emotional and verbal place where anything…and nothing….can be said, it is freeing.

A therapist who has done their own therapy and their own self growth over the years, will not NEED anything from you. They won’t need you to share, they won’t need you to “improve”, they won’t need you to schedule another session. They are here to support your journey.

The grounded therapist will know their limitations and will beautifully hold their own boundaries so you don’t have to for them. You can trust them to tell you if they are beyond their skill level to help and if they professionally assess that there is a danger if you are not able to get the help you need. Safety is where we draw the line.

But other than safety issues, there are no requirements for therapy. There are preferences. There are methods that, to date, appear more effective. But there are no mandates.

• Have you ever just sat in silence with your therapist?

• Have you ever said, “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet. Can we change subjects?”

• Have you ever stopped mid sentence and tuned into your body only to realize you were not feeling safe and were only sharing something with your therapist because you felt you should…so you stopped sharing?

• Have you ever had a therapist tune into your distressed state while sharing, and asked you to explore that sensation and/or ground before re-entering the subject?

My clients know that their ability to tune into their body, their emotions and thoughts is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that being non-judgmental about their self-observation is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that their ability to set their boundaries with me is not only safe but encouraged.

You don’t owe anybody anything in the therapeutic space. You have the opportunity to observe yourself.

If you don’t feel like you can do these things, then THAT is a great topic for your next session. “Can we explore why I might not feel comfortable?” Sometimes, it is your own journey with your primary care givers or other relationships that taught what you were required to do in interaction with others (self protect, give others all of you even if you don’t want to, disconnect from what you feel/want in relationship, etc).

If your therapist gets defensive, then they have not done their own work and they got triggered. That’s not your responsibility. Give them a chance to, but if after 2-3 attempts, they are still getting defensive, that might not be the therapist to help you heal if they have not healed themselves.

Therapy sessions are your space. You are learning and growing in relation to another. Your issues will surface in that connection. Notice them and give yourself a chance to heal non-judgmentally. That’s one goal of therapy.

Racial Trauma

I am a white woman by American standards so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I can never speak to the racial injustice that others have experienced in this country from first hand experience.

But I hope to speak to the trauma cycle.

If anyone thinks that African Americans are not terrorized in this country, they are miseducated but have the opportunity to self regulate and listen. When someone says they are experiencing trauma, listen. It is not about you. You do not need to defend yourself. It is about them and what they experienced. What happened to them has been done but they need to heal and we all need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Whether we are talking about bullying, rape, assault or murder - they are all forms of violence that are the entire community’s responsibility to address.

Listen for what they are actually saying rather than how they are saying it or how they are acting. Listen for the “I’m scared” “I feel powerless and hopeless” “I don’t know how to go on from here” “Am I alone in this fight for my life?”

And if you need to test in your mind the oppressive position of the African American in this country, there is one simple question: Would you want to be Black in America? Would you be willing to change the color of your skin for the rest of your life in this country?

Sometimes it’s being murdered. Sometimes it’s being tortured. Sometimes it’s being objectified. Sometimes it’s being sexualized. Sometimes it’s not getting the job, a fair wage or the promotion. Sometimes is not getting the housing. Sometimes it not getting the cab ride. Sometimes it’s not being allowed to date another race. Sometimes it’s needing a White American to vouch for you before you can do anything. The list goes on. Daily. For decades.

Of course keep your body safe but don’t suppress their anger. It is a healthy expression of oppression. That is what is normal. I wonder: Why do you not feel rage too? What is about anger that scares you? Maybe it’s time to face that.

The anger will bring change. It can be turned outward (in protests and lobbying) and it can be turned inward (in layers of self hate and shame). But let it be expressed in any way it comes out while you keep your own body safe.

After the victim is heard and is allowed to fully feel all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), then they can heal and we can heal as a community.

Our work is never done until everyone is physically safe in this world. Everyone.

Leave the emotional safety for the next stage of healing but first provide physical safety.

You cannot heal from trauma when you continue to be attacked. If you cannot feel peace then you cannot mend. If you cannot heal then the generational narrative of danger and the goal of mere survival continues.

There is more to humanity than surviving. There is thriving. We can do it. We must first guarantee physical safety for all.

Right now we are facing yet another opportunity to turn this country’s direction toward safety. Stay angry enough to make a change. Stay strategic enough to make a real ever lasting change. There are many groups that experience oppression but the Black community in America has a unique place in our ongoing narrative.

You and I both know there are many many people who have been afraid in their own homes, in their own communities and in this world. Every time we work together to organize communities, learn from each other and gain the skills of self awareness and self regulation, we in turn help ourselves.

You might not understand the fear of being an African American man or woman in America but I bet you know what it feels like to feel scared, hopeless and powerless in some capacity. It is the human experience. Use how that feels in your body to understand another. Think of what support you could have used when you experienced that as a child or as an adult, and now give that to others.