Only you decide what is talked about in your therapy sessions. You don't have to answer a question just because it was asked. You don't need to share any story you are not comfortable sharing. There is no topic you must address before you feel ready. If that feels odd or challenging for you, maybe you can discuss THAT in your next session.

For many of us, it can be a strange notion that there is a space just for us. A space where we don’t have to worry at all about the other person. We don’t need to worry if we offended them, if they are judging us, or if they will hold what we say against us later.

When we let ourselves lean into this safe emotional and verbal place where anything…and nothing….can be said, it is freeing.

A therapist who has done their own therapy and their own self growth over the years, will not NEED anything from you. They won’t need you to share, they won’t need you to “improve”, they won’t need you to schedule another session. They are here to support your journey.

The grounded therapist will know their limitations and will beautifully hold their own boundaries so you don’t have to for them. You can trust them to tell you if they are beyond their skill level to help and if they professionally assess that there is a danger if you are not able to get the help you need. Safety is where we draw the line.

But other than safety issues, there are no requirements for therapy. There are preferences. There are methods that, to date, appear more effective. But there are no mandates.

Have you ever just sat in silence with your therapist?
Have you ever said, “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet. Can we change subjects?”
Have you ever stopped mid sentence and tuned into your body only to realize you were not feeling safe and were only sharing something with your therapist because you felt you should…so you stopped sharing?
Have you ever had a therapist tune into your distressed state while sharing, and asked you to explore that sensation and/or ground before re-entering the subject?

My clients know that their ability to tune into their body, their emotions and thoughts is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that being non-judgmental about their self-observation is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that their ability to set their boundaries with me is not only safe but encouraged.

You don’t owe anybody anything in the therapeutic space. You have the opportunity to observe yourself.

If you don’t feel like you can do these things, then THAT is a great topic for your next session. “Can we explore why I might not feel comfortable?” Sometimes, it is your own journey with your primary care givers or other relationships that taught what you were required to do in interaction with others (self protect, give others all of you even if you don’t want to, disconnect from what you feel/want in relationship, etc).

If your therapist gets defensive, then they have not done their own work and they got triggered. That’s not your responsibility. Give them a chance to, but if after 2-3 attempts, they are still getting defensive, that might not be the therapist to help you heal if they have not healed themselves.

Therapy sessions are your space. You are learning and growing in relation to another. Your issues will surface in that connection. Notice them and give yourself a chance to heal non-judgmentally. That’s one goal of therapy.

I am a white woman by American standards so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I can never speak to the racial injustice that others have experienced in this country from first hand experience.

But I hope to speak to the trauma cycle.

If anyone thinks that African Americans are not terrorized in this country, they are miseducated but have the opportunity to self regulate and listen. When someone says they are experiencing trauma, listen. It is not about you. You do not need to defend yourself. It is about them and what they experienced. What happened to them has been done but they need to heal and we all need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Whether we are talking about bullying, rape, assault or murder - they are all forms of violence that are the entire community’s responsibility to address.

Listen for what they are actually saying rather than how they are saying it or how they are acting. Listen for the “I’m scared” “I feel powerless and hopeless” “I don’t know how to go on from here” “Am I alone in this fight for my life?”

And if you need to test in your mind the oppressive position of the African American in this country, there is one simple question: Would you want to be Black in America? Would you be willing to change the color of your skin for the rest of your life in this country?

Sometimes it’s being murdered. Sometimes it’s being tortured. Sometimes it’s being objectified. Sometimes it’s being sexualized. Sometimes it’s not getting the job, a fair wage or the promotion. Sometimes is not getting the housing. Sometimes it not getting the cab ride. Sometimes it’s not being allowed to date another race. Sometimes it’s needing a White American to vouch for you before you can do anything. The list goes on. Daily. For decades.

Of course keep your body safe but don’t suppress their anger. It is a healthy expression of oppression. That is what is normal. I wonder: Why do you not feel rage too? What is about anger that scares you? Maybe it’s time to face that.

The anger will bring change. It can be turned outward (in protests and lobbying) and it can be turned inward (in layers of self hate and shame). But let it be expressed in any way it comes out while you keep your own body safe.

After the victim is heard and is allowed to fully feel all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), then they can heal and we can heal as a community.

Our work is never done until everyone is physically safe in this world. Everyone.

Leave the emotional safety for the next stage of healing but first provide physical safety.

You cannot heal from trauma when you continue to be attacked. If you cannot feel peace then you cannot mend. If you cannot heal then the generational narrative of danger and the goal of mere survival continues.

There is more to humanity than surviving. There is thriving. We can do it. We must first guarantee physical safety for all.

Right now we are facing yet another opportunity to turn this country’s direction toward safety. Stay angry enough to make a change. Stay strategic enough to make a real ever lasting change. There are many groups that experience oppression but the Black community in America has a unique place in our ongoing narrative.

You and I both know there are many many people who have been afraid in their own homes, in their own communities and in this world. Every time we work together to organize communities, learn from each other and gain the skills of self awareness and self regulation, we in turn help ourselves.

You might not understand the fear of being an African American man or woman in America but I bet you know what it feels like to feel scared, hopeless and powerless in some capacity. It is the human experience. Use how that feels in your body to understand another. Think of what support you could have used when you experienced that as a child or as an adult, and now give that to others.