You Don't Have To Talk About It

Only you decide what is talked about in your therapy sessions. You don't have to answer a question just because it was asked. You don't need to share any story you are not comfortable sharing. There is no topic you must address before you feel ready. If that feels odd or challenging for you, maybe you can discuss THAT in your next session.

For many of us, it can be a strange notion that there is a space just for us. A space where we don’t have to worry at all about the other person. We don’t need to worry if we offended them, if they are judging us, or if they will hold what we say against us later.

When we let ourselves lean into this safe emotional and verbal place where anything…and nothing….can be said, it is freeing.

A therapist who has done their own therapy and their own self growth over the years, will not NEED anything from you. They won’t need you to share, they won’t need you to “improve”, they won’t need you to schedule another session. They are here to support your journey.

The grounded therapist will know their limitations and will beautifully hold their own boundaries so you don’t have to for them. You can trust them to tell you if they are beyond their skill level to help and if they professionally assess that there is a danger if you are not able to get the help you need. Safety is where we draw the line.

But other than safety issues, there are no requirements for therapy. There are preferences. There are methods that, to date, appear more effective. But there are no mandates.

• Have you ever just sat in silence with your therapist?

• Have you ever said, “I’m not comfortable talking about that yet. Can we change subjects?”

• Have you ever stopped mid sentence and tuned into your body only to realize you were not feeling safe and were only sharing something with your therapist because you felt you should…so you stopped sharing?

• Have you ever had a therapist tune into your distressed state while sharing, and asked you to explore that sensation and/or ground before re-entering the subject?

My clients know that their ability to tune into their body, their emotions and thoughts is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that being non-judgmental about their self-observation is more important than the story they are currently telling me. My clients know that their ability to set their boundaries with me is not only safe but encouraged.

You don’t owe anybody anything in the therapeutic space. You have the opportunity to observe yourself.

If you don’t feel like you can do these things, then THAT is a great topic for your next session. “Can we explore why I might not feel comfortable?” Sometimes, it is your own journey with your primary care givers or other relationships that taught what you were required to do in interaction with others (self protect, give others all of you even if you don’t want to, disconnect from what you feel/want in relationship, etc).

If your therapist gets defensive, then they have not done their own work and they got triggered. That’s not your responsibility. Give them a chance to, but if after 2-3 attempts, they are still getting defensive, that might not be the therapist to help you heal if they have not healed themselves.

Therapy sessions are your space. You are learning and growing in relation to another. Your issues will surface in that connection. Notice them and give yourself a chance to heal non-judgmentally. That’s one goal of therapy.

From My Heart...Now Is The Time To Hire A Psychotherapist

Here is a note I shared with my friends…

I think most of you know I am a psychotherapist since 2011. I've been in the field for many years before as a social worker in many different roles. So I say this as a professional who is devoted to the most amazing career and a friend....please hire a psychotherapist today. You do not need to be in crisis to talk to someone.

There is something magical about having one hour a week just for you about you. You can say anything and say it any way you want. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, we take whatever you share to our grave.

You can change your mind a moment after you said it and that's fine. You can stop talking at all when you want. You can cry, scream, laugh or vent. Many therapists offer video or phone sessions and will work with you if you don't have insurance to find an affordable rate.

Search psychologytoday.com to find a therapist (you can filter for insurance if you have it or a speciality). Search openpathcollective.org for therapists holding opening for clients $30-60/session. This is the time to try even one session from your home or your car or anywhere you can get some privacy. There are services that are text and email online (like BetterHelp and TalkSpace).

If you had a bad experience with a therapist before or just have a bad stereotype of psychotherapy, now is a good time to refresh that narrative and find the right match for you. The techniques they use are less important than the connection you feel with them. Search for someone you want to talk to. Give it 3 sessions to make up your mind.

Try it. You have nothing to lose but great insight and specific coping skills to gain.

From my heart to yours - hire a psychotherapist today.